Fat and Sassy

my views on being larger than life.

Foody blogging September 14, 2010

Filed under: FH,intuitive eating,Uncategorized — erylin @ 8:33 am
Tags: ,

well im back. sorry for the hiatus…things just got…overwhelming..to say the least. I’ve started blogging again bi weekly over Fierce Freethinking Fatties…and wnat to find a way to get back in the groove here again. I will try to post 2x weekly but i cant promise anything.

As part of trying to blog more i am going to start including foods that no person would EVER think a fatty consumes. But i do so on a regular basis. Not trying to advocate for weight loss or anything…..jsut trying out new foods. Todays star: quinoa. it’s an Incan grain (gogo love of south american archaeology…good at breakfast (do it up sweet) or at dinner (make it savory). it’s the only grain that is a complete protein all on its own (gogo vegans).

you cook it like rice: 1c grain to 2c water, add seasoning to the water, bring to a boil, then reduce and simmer covered for 15-20 min, or until it looks like the quinoa sprouted and all the liquid is gone. This morning I added a cut up apple, a handful of cranberries, cinnamon and ginger, salt and about a teaspoon of butter. yummy!


Exersize doesnt amp up teens metabolism either February 17, 2010

im busy tonight chickadees and have written 4 posts today already….but check out this from yahoo health news…….apparently exersize doesn’t make you lose weight….here is the link followed by some choice quotes. (for once it requires very little mocking)


“A few months of moderate aerobic exercise may not rev up obese teenagers’ ability to burn calories, even though it may increase thinner teens’ ability to burn dietary fat, new research suggests”

“obese teenagers can get “important health benefits” from aerobic exercise even without changes in their calorie and fat metabolism” (HAES anyone?)

“It’s a common perception that exercise not only burns calories during the workout, but also leads to lasting changes in a person’s metabolism at rest. However, studies suggest that any effects may depend on the type and intensity of exercise, and on a person’s body composition.”


That’s gotta be a victory February 5, 2010

Heidi over at Hortus Deliciarum  wrote a great post called Intuitive eating vs. “calorie restriction” or dieting .  As i was posting, i realized my reply  had outgrown the “comments” realm and was morphing into its own blog post.   please check her post out as it is obviously thought provoking.

“Sometimes I need to swim back to my safety-log of overeating to make it through a day, because I’m not yet ready to swim all the way to the shore of recovery, but I never, ever calorie restrict. That way lies madness.”   

so very powerful and true.   It amazing….now that I honestly DONT CARE what I  eat…I end up bringing home food from resturants……hell I even order less because I didn’t starve myself all day…like today…at panera bread (it will always be St.Louis Bread Co to me) I USED to order a take 2 with a breadbowl, making myself eat their yummy salads….but yesterday all I craved was veggies,  and today all I wanted was bread and meat….so I had french onion soup in a bread bowl and it was ALL I wanted…..it was PERFECT and I was satisfied until 9p, when I ate with my man when he got off work on our date night.   I am eating LESS when I am not forcing myself to eat “right”  because what I crave is “right” for my body.  

…and I don’t feel like I have to “force” myself to eat in the mornings anymore (I have asthma and use birth control… so I get REALLY sick to my stomach in the morning.)  I always felt like I had to choke down breakfast, and then if I couldn’t I wouldn’t let myself eat till like 2 as “punishment” for not follow the right diet to “amp” my metabolism.     But now that I have given up on that notion and eat when my body says I tend to eat 2 meals with a light snack later….and no starving, no hiding food and scarfing it.   I enjoy it more….hell I cant even eat fast food anymore, it turns my stomach and I don’t crave it (i turned down fries tonight in favor of horseradish cole slaw) ….but boy has my wok enjoyed itself since i got it for christmas! 

Hell this whole happy movement thing too is amazing….my body LOVES me now!  My back needs the yoga daily to feel better….and I feel stronger without feeling so sore I cant walk up a stair.   I don’t shake now when I do downward-facing dog or warrior poses!   And I can hold them for longer!   and I havent given up or gotten bored (gogo ADHD).   It feels like all the baby steps with my relationships with food, exercise and self-esteem are starting to right themselves.

In fact I passed something of a “test” for myself personally.  My first trigger for bulimia…the big one that started it all… was homemade lemon bars…..I made (and then ate) a whole pan…and freaked out. (cue a binge/purge cycle that lasted, oh the rest of my life)  Well, I made some with my kids…and there are still 3 left, and its been 2 days…in fact I think I have to throw them away, because they are stale….WFT!   I let sweets…CAKES for crissake!…go STALE!  I dont care if I am losing weight, or gaining….I DO care that my relationship with food, for the first time since I was 10, is starting to feel normal, and right.   I dont have to count everything to be able to eat it.   I AM trying to eat veggies, not because I HAVE to but because I CRAVE them. 

That’s gotta be a victory.


a voice in recovery January 28, 2010

As you probably know by now, i am a recovering bulimic, and am always looking for ways to support others in the recovery process, as well as looking for advice and insight on my own recovery.  I follow weightless (http://blogs.psychcentral.com/weightless/2010/01/qa-on-eating-disorder-recovery-with-kendra-a-voice-in-recovery-part-2/) which features thoughtful interviews with people in the recovery process.    


A problem that eating disorders have in the media is their portrayal.   It, like dieting, is often seen as a “willpower”  issue, when it’s so much more than that (much like dieting)   “I do worry more about trash media articles, because often the articles sound cliché, and make it sound like eating disorders are a willpower issue and not a complicated biological, chemical, cultural, environmental disorder.”   Also, everyone sees the wasting waif that is the face of anorexia….but put me in a line up and you wouldn’t be able to go “HER…thats the bulimic”   That is one of the MANY pitfalls of judging a person by their weight.   Tell me to “lose weight fatty”  and not so long ago it would throw me into a crying tailspin where I would purge everything I ate for 3 months.   Hell I have even had relatives tell me to just be bulimic for 3 months so you lose 30 lbs so you can get out there and date after my husband left me (thanks insensitive bitch!)   If I am skinny and its after 1994, it’s NOT because of a successful diet….its because I throw up.  ITs when I get “fat” again that I am healthy, not living in a hell with my worth being defined as a number at the convergence of calories in, exercise, willpower, and hatred.. 

This particular article is with Kendra, the head of A voice of Recovery on facebook (http://www.facebook.com/AVoiceinRecovery) and she had some awesome things to say about ed, recovery and advocacy.  First, she lashes out at the diet industry, which is the root of poor body image in oh so many women. ” I worry that because dieting is running rampant in this country by a multi-billion dollar industry, that parents will see dieting as a girl’s “right of passage.” I worry people will start dieting and end up with eating disorders. I believe the diet industry is a very damaging, powerful industry.”  that is why diet ads, ESPICALLY to those in recovery can be so toxic….it’s really hard to ignore all the “lose weight fatty or no one will love you” messages in the media…or worse yet “lose weight fatty or your gonna DIIIEEEEEEEE” (i think i want a t-shirt with that on it, as a caption for a picture of receipts for diet food) that is the new special hell in the media for ed folks.   Because EVERY diet becomes restriction, and for those with and ed, this can mean relapse.

She also talks about the lack of information for those RECOVERED….you hear all these stories about the bravery of women going into ED treatment, but you don’t see the reality out the other side…..IT can feel hopelessly long, and hard, and damn near impossible.   The media, ESPICALLY for bulimia, doesn’t really talk about the long term effects….for me, my ED is becoming VERY real as my teeth fall out one by one….before the of 40.   I also have digestion issues and acid reflux disease (from all my purging, my tummy ph is all messed up) and a horrid gag reflex.   She too talks on her issues (which the media never covers for bulimics, or if they do it’s an aside, cause we aren’t SKINNY so its ok) 

“I do have a LOT of dental issues. I was a kid who never had cavities, always had white teeth, and I now struggle with cavities, gum damage, etc. I also have a lot of digestive problems. Since I abused laxatives, I have a hard time processing foods. I also restricted and threw up so much food that I have acid reflux, and issues with eating certain types of foods.” 

They don’t tell you that you can never enjoy orange juice (bottled sunshine) again without pain.  Or red sauce (at least for me). 

Kendra also talks on how people can help loved ones with an ed.   Like with alcoholism, its really hard to help someone stop when they don’t WANT to stop.   You have to have that Aha! moment.  It’s important to remember, folks may NOT want help.  “Also – this disorder lies:  Often while you think a loved one may need help, the person struggling will not and sometimes cannot see this. Try not to lash out with frustration, and understand that it is a very complicated disorder, and it is normal for the person struggling to not want help, be unwilling to stop behaviors and may get very angry at any suggestion of help.”

It’s people like her that give me the courage to take it one day at a time, step by step into recovery.  Sometimes all you can say is “I will try again tomorrow”


yet more proof that being fat is good for you. – quick hit

Ok I know we’ve seen this with other studies but who believes Canadians (just kidding) . once again fat people (especially the over 70 crowd)  live 10 years longer.   the study was carried out with 9,200 aussies over 10 years.  those with an overweight bmi lived 13% longer.    they also found that being sedentary, regardless of weight, doubled the risk of death for woman and raised it by 1/4 for men.  yea we know that is why HAES is good for you….and shows, once again diets don’t work.  ” According to the study authors, it may be time to reevaluate the system that determines who is overweight and obese.”



I hate Jillian Michaels January 22, 2010

Just saying I hate her…..I hope she gets a metabolic disorder and people tell her to stop eating fatty….except she can’t because its genetic even if she eats nothing and works out for 5 hours a day. (like many x-biggest loser contestants, some of whom train for MARATHONS on 1200 calories a day.)   May she blow out a knee and never be able to do another lunge.   I wish her nothing but what she pushes on other people for the sake of ratings and money (never  ever pretend it’s about “compassion”  thats a load of crap.)  May she have heat stroke while running a mile …..in a fat suit.  

IN fact she is bad at selling things too…a new video of hers pushes a kettlebell workout…well i found this article blasting her (and he does it as nice as he can too, they ARE selling kettlebells after all and she is the hottest weight loss trainer since the ab-rower )  http://www.charmcitykettlebells.com/sandys-journal/jillianmichaelsisbadforkettlebells/

“Being a trainer, in no way gives Jillian Michaels the expertise to teach kettlebells. Look I’m not a personal trainer and I don’t try to train folks except in my area of expertise. Jillian says at one point during the QVC piece, “I know you are thinking…you don’t know how to use it (the kettlebell)” Well I can assure you she doesn’t know how to use it either, unfortunately.”

Thats the problem with the EXERSIZE FATTY approach to weight loss… if you aren’t already fit, jumping into 3 hours of cardio a day will KILL you….or at the very least injure you.   All things in moderation people jesus.   And you know what, life it’s too short to do what she does, what she makes people do on tv for money.   Life is here to ENJOY the best  way you can……that includes eating well, dancing through life, and loving the souls around you.  It does NOT include climbing a never-ending ladder till you fall over.   And then have an angry (albiet hot in an overtoned martial arts sort of way)  brunette yelling at you “stupid fatty you are ruining your life, your kids lives and the country!”

(Well THATS been brewing for a while…sorry folks.  Some things just have to be ranted upon…I guess i have been rant-y lately…must be the moon or something)

WOW so this stuff really IS working January 18, 2010

Warning:   may be triggering as it deals with my own experience of Eating Disorders (namely bulimia) and journey towards recovery.

So for those that don’t know I “discovered” FA about a year ago when searching, at my wits end, for affordable eating disorder treatment for myself in my area.  And I don’t want to do OE anonymous or any of those 12 steps because I disagree with them on a fundamental point….I realize that it takes help to get over stuff, but I really don’t think god takes such a big interest in individual people’s wants/wishes.   I had a hard time finding anything that really helps with bulimia (yea sticking me in a “group” session with tiny skinny mini aneorexics…wow that helped…now imma go binge more tyvm)  and found the fatosphere through an ED (eating disorder) website.  I found the science that disproved all the weight loss companies…and then I discovered Health at Every Size.   YES!   Thats IT!    HAES was such an odd liberating thought….so i tried it. 

Being bulimic, every time I try to diet…it turns into restricting….which turns into failure…and bingeing, and then purgeing…and repeat cycle for 20 years(that is sort of the definition of untreated bulimia.)  I yo-yoed between 285-330 for 10 years.    About 6 months ago  I tried a HAES baby step (for me) , I just added more fruits and veggies…..dont make yourself NOT eat, just make myself eat green things…and orange…and red….and yellow.   Turns out I like veggies (when i dont make myself eat them in a salad with no dressing) , especially if I make them.  Roasted stuff is amazing!.   And I found I like to cook, especially if it’s for other people (im not so good at taking care of myself) I find myself CRAVING green stuff now.   

A few months after I started cooking and eating veggies (still eating cookies, and cakes when I felt like I needed them…and CHOCOLATE OMG!)   I started swimming again….I have to be careful, because if it at ALL feels like “exercise” in my head I will start working out 2-3 hours daily until i puke and/or drop.   I thought exercise was supposed to hurt….that you were supposed to be so sore you couldn’t walk or you were doing it wrong, because I was a FATTY and wasnt supposed to be in shape. (even though I was an olympic hopeful swimmer who was in the pool 3-5 hours daily for 2 summers)  A not fat friend of mine came swimming with me and then laughed at me when i was swimming a mile in 45 min for fun……he told me I was treating this like a punishment and I should stop and love myself.   So I looked for something else.    I tried yoga and fell in LOVE…I can pretend im just “stretching”  in my head and 45 min later BAM I’ve done a whole workout.   I now do 20-40 min 3 times a week  and it feels awesome.   I’m slightly sore now, but I can walk and still enjoy life.  I feel like my constant back aches from these big old titties and my knee issues are getting better as well.  

About 3 months ago I bought a “boxed” dinner (it was Swanson’s pasta I think) that I used to eat…it was bland, salty and gross, with limp veggies and overcooked pasta….and now I think I see why this is working….my pasta that I make at home lovingly for my family has fresh carrots….and onions….and celery…and tomatoes…..so much more appealing!   I don’t feel at ALL deprived the way I eat…if anything its MUCH better.   and I still eat ice cream and dump cake and “crap”, but I crave stuff like yogurt and hummus now.  

And the real money…..my blood pressure is down ( and when I had it checked I was in the hospital for pneumonia and it was STILL down from a year ago)  And the scale shows it all too, but that is a happy accident i honestly dont care about.  and i lost a bit   without even trying!  without even throwing up!   I don’t want to, im not trying to do it…..rofl in fact, this whole time (because im 30 and gravity is starting to work on me ) my fat belly has started touching my legs and I have SOOOO bad about it, so disheartened……I KNOW in my heart and head that diets don’t work long term, (and neither does bulimia)  but then you watch tv (or even talk to certain family members)  and OMG DIET FATTY  your GONNA DIEEEEEEEE.   I was so paranoid…..I started feeling out of control, and relapsing.   But I doggedly kept up with everything, kept making myself eat the veggies and fruits, keep taking care of myself, eating what I was craving even as I freaked out and thought about puking.  I read more about intuitive eating, and not beating myself up for not losing weight.   I started dressing better, loving my curves.  

But listening to your body does work…I feel better, my body is happy and not heart-burny all the time (from both puking and simply being too full).  I am learning to remind myself that you know what, you are full, you don’t have to finish that, if you want more , you can have more later, you MADE it stupid.   (being “too full”  is a GIGANTIC trigger for me.)  I’m learing to love my self for the sexy amazon goddess (i am a tall 6 foot german with a wide body frame, bones don’t shrink no matter how anorexic you get) I am.   Some people have a big frame and I am learning more and more that is OK.   I have a man that looks at me with desire in his eyes…..i feel sexy for the first time since high school.   I feel like, for the first time ever, i found a way to be ok with my body, love myself, nuture myself instead of being mother hen to everybody else.  And its really paying off.  

I don’t want this to come off as a weight-loss success story because its not….but I was so worried over the course of this I was gonna get fatter, blow up like a balloon and start the downward cycle that is ED again.  I thought I was just holding steady, I havent even weight myself in over 6 months, since I was in the hospital for pneumonia over the summer last year.   I knew in my head that diets don’t work, that this was revolutionary, that i may not lose weight but i would get healthy….but its one thing to know it and its another to really feel it, in your body, in your bones.   IN my head, the ED was whispering “it will never work fatty…..eating wht you want ROFL gimme a break…now puke up that pizza!”   But rational thought have (mostly) prevailed for the better part of 6 months are all signs point to success….even through the dreaded holiday season.