Fat and Sassy

my views on being larger than life.

That’s gotta be a victory February 5, 2010

Heidi over at Hortus Deliciarum  wrote a great post called Intuitive eating vs. “calorie restriction” or dieting .  As i was posting, i realized my reply  had outgrown the “comments” realm and was morphing into its own blog post.   please check her post out as it is obviously thought provoking.

“Sometimes I need to swim back to my safety-log of overeating to make it through a day, because I’m not yet ready to swim all the way to the shore of recovery, but I never, ever calorie restrict. That way lies madness.”   

so very powerful and true.   It amazing….now that I honestly DONT CARE what I  eat…I end up bringing home food from resturants……hell I even order less because I didn’t starve myself all day…like today…at panera bread (it will always be St.Louis Bread Co to me) I USED to order a take 2 with a breadbowl, making myself eat their yummy salads….but yesterday all I craved was veggies,  and today all I wanted was bread and meat….so I had french onion soup in a bread bowl and it was ALL I wanted…..it was PERFECT and I was satisfied until 9p, when I ate with my man when he got off work on our date night.   I am eating LESS when I am not forcing myself to eat “right”  because what I crave is “right” for my body.  

…and I don’t feel like I have to “force” myself to eat in the mornings anymore (I have asthma and use birth control… so I get REALLY sick to my stomach in the morning.)  I always felt like I had to choke down breakfast, and then if I couldn’t I wouldn’t let myself eat till like 2 as “punishment” for not follow the right diet to “amp” my metabolism.     But now that I have given up on that notion and eat when my body says I tend to eat 2 meals with a light snack later….and no starving, no hiding food and scarfing it.   I enjoy it more….hell I cant even eat fast food anymore, it turns my stomach and I don’t crave it (i turned down fries tonight in favor of horseradish cole slaw) ….but boy has my wok enjoyed itself since i got it for christmas! 

Hell this whole happy movement thing too is amazing….my body LOVES me now!  My back needs the yoga daily to feel better….and I feel stronger without feeling so sore I cant walk up a stair.   I don’t shake now when I do downward-facing dog or warrior poses!   And I can hold them for longer!   and I havent given up or gotten bored (gogo ADHD).   It feels like all the baby steps with my relationships with food, exercise and self-esteem are starting to right themselves.

In fact I passed something of a “test” for myself personally.  My first trigger for bulimia…the big one that started it all… was homemade lemon bars…..I made (and then ate) a whole pan…and freaked out. (cue a binge/purge cycle that lasted, oh the rest of my life)  Well, I made some with my kids…and there are still 3 left, and its been 2 days…in fact I think I have to throw them away, because they are stale….WFT!   I let sweets…CAKES for crissake!…go STALE!  I dont care if I am losing weight, or gaining….I DO care that my relationship with food, for the first time since I was 10, is starting to feel normal, and right.   I dont have to count everything to be able to eat it.   I AM trying to eat veggies, not because I HAVE to but because I CRAVE them. 

That’s gotta be a victory.


6 Responses to “That’s gotta be a victory”

  1. ali Says:

    go you. you r so inspiring right now…thank you for your message of hope. you don’t know how much some ppl need it 🙂 good luck with your journey

  2. Lisa Says:

    YES!!! Isn’t it amazing?? Congrats, enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

  3. bigliberty Says:

    Congrats, that really is inspiring.

    One thing I’ve learned about eating intuitively (or what I just call eating ‘normally’), is that for those of us with eating disordered behaviors, it takes a really, really long time (years and years) to really discover how we eat, what and when, and so on.

    One change that I noticed which took a few years, is that during my ED days, whenever I went out to a restaurant I used to eat my whole serving. Now, I eat just half and I’m perfectly happy with it (plus it’s economical…two meals in one). It’s not that I feel any less full, it’s that before I used to restrict to such a degree that I could eat twice as much at a restaurant and not feel as full. Also, I craved ‘real’ food, so eating at a restaurant was a chance for my body to replenish itself.

    Now, I eat ‘real’ food all the time. So going to a restaurant isn’t such a big deal to my body, nutritionally. Which means that I’m satisfied with half as large of a serving, because I’m eating enough in general so I’m no longer starved.

    I enjoy just eating ‘normally’ — the starve/binge cycle gets really, really old after a while.

    • Heidi Says:

      This is exactly what I’ve found too – because I restricted so often, I just ate and ate at restaurants.

      Now that the pressure’s off because the restaurant is no longer a forbidden treat/cheat, I can really listen to my body.

      The frustration is that the process, for me, is slow – I mostly ignored my body for fifteen years, so learning how to listen to it is pretty slow.

  4. Twistie Says:

    Damn straight that’s a victory, and a big one, too! Congratulations.

  5. Synna Says:

    /thunderous applause

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