Warning: may be triggering as it deals with my own experience of Eating Disorders (namely bulimia) and journey towards recovery.
So for those that don’t know I “discovered” FA about a year ago when searching, at my wits end, for affordable eating disorder treatment for myself in my area. And I don’t want to do OE anonymous or any of those 12 steps because I disagree with them on a fundamental point….I realize that it takes help to get over stuff, but I really don’t think god takes such a big interest in individual people’s wants/wishes. I had a hard time finding anything that really helps with bulimia (yea sticking me in a “group” session with tiny skinny mini aneorexics…wow that helped…now imma go binge more tyvm) and found the fatosphere through an ED (eating disorder) website. I found the science that disproved all the weight loss companies…and then I discovered Health at Every Size. YES! Thats IT! HAES was such an odd liberating thought….so i tried it.
Being bulimic, every time I try to diet…it turns into restricting….which turns into failure…and bingeing, and then purgeing…and repeat cycle for 20 years(that is sort of the definition of untreated bulimia.) I yo-yoed between 285-330 for 10 years. About 6 months ago I tried a HAES baby step (for me) , I just added more fruits and veggies…..dont make yourself NOT eat, just make myself eat green things…and orange…and red….and yellow. Turns out I like veggies (when i dont make myself eat them in a salad with no dressing) , especially if I make them. Roasted stuff is amazing!. And I found I like to cook, especially if it’s for other people (im not so good at taking care of myself) I find myself CRAVING green stuff now.
A few months after I started cooking and eating veggies (still eating cookies, and cakes when I felt like I needed them…and CHOCOLATE OMG!) I started swimming again….I have to be careful, because if it at ALL feels like “exercise” in my head I will start working out 2-3 hours daily until i puke and/or drop. I thought exercise was supposed to hurt….that you were supposed to be so sore you couldn’t walk or you were doing it wrong, because I was a FATTY and wasnt supposed to be in shape. (even though I was an olympic hopeful swimmer who was in the pool 3-5 hours daily for 2 summers) A not fat friend of mine came swimming with me and then laughed at me when i was swimming a mile in 45 min for fun……he told me I was treating this like a punishment and I should stop and love myself. So I looked for something else. I tried yoga and fell in LOVE…I can pretend im just “stretching” in my head and 45 min later BAM I’ve done a whole workout. I now do 20-40 min 3 times a week and it feels awesome. I’m slightly sore now, but I can walk and still enjoy life. I feel like my constant back aches from these big old titties and my knee issues are getting better as well.
About 3 months ago I bought a “boxed” dinner (it was Swanson’s pasta I think) that I used to eat…it was bland, salty and gross, with limp veggies and overcooked pasta….and now I think I see why this is working….my pasta that I make at home lovingly for my family has fresh carrots….and onions….and celery…and tomatoes…..so much more appealing! I don’t feel at ALL deprived the way I eat…if anything its MUCH better. and I still eat ice cream and dump cake and “crap”, but I crave stuff like yogurt and hummus now.
And the real money…..my blood pressure is down ( and when I had it checked I was in the hospital for pneumonia and it was STILL down from a year ago) And the scale shows it all too, but that is a happy accident i honestly dont care about. and i lost a bit without even trying! without even throwing up! I don’t want to, im not trying to do it…..rofl in fact, this whole time (because im 30 and gravity is starting to work on me ) my fat belly has started touching my legs and I have SOOOO bad about it, so disheartened……I KNOW in my heart and head that diets don’t work long term, (and neither does bulimia) but then you watch tv (or even talk to certain family members) and OMG DIET FATTY your GONNA DIEEEEEEEE. I was so paranoid…..I started feeling out of control, and relapsing. But I doggedly kept up with everything, kept making myself eat the veggies and fruits, keep taking care of myself, eating what I was craving even as I freaked out and thought about puking. I read more about intuitive eating, and not beating myself up for not losing weight. I started dressing better, loving my curves.
But listening to your body does work…I feel better, my body is happy and not heart-burny all the time (from both puking and simply being too full). I am learning to remind myself that you know what, you are full, you don’t have to finish that, if you want more , you can have more later, you MADE it stupid. (being “too full” is a GIGANTIC trigger for me.) I’m learing to love my self for the sexy amazon goddess (i am a tall 6 foot german with a wide body frame, bones don’t shrink no matter how anorexic you get) I am. Some people have a big frame and I am learning more and more that is OK. I have a man that looks at me with desire in his eyes…..i feel sexy for the first time since high school. I feel like, for the first time ever, i found a way to be ok with my body, love myself, nuture myself instead of being mother hen to everybody else. And its really paying off.
I don’t want this to come off as a weight-loss success story because its not….but I was so worried over the course of this I was gonna get fatter, blow up like a balloon and start the downward cycle that is ED again. I thought I was just holding steady, I havent even weight myself in over 6 months, since I was in the hospital for pneumonia over the summer last year. I knew in my head that diets don’t work, that this was revolutionary, that i may not lose weight but i would get healthy….but its one thing to know it and its another to really feel it, in your body, in your bones. IN my head, the ED was whispering “it will never work fatty…..eating wht you want ROFL gimme a break…now puke up that pizza!” But rational thought have (mostly) prevailed for the better part of 6 months are all signs point to success….even through the dreaded holiday season.